Alabama’s Finest

Before I begin, let me catch my breath…

To say the past two weeks has been a whirlwind would be an understatement. We’ve done road trips, flights, Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama, Florida, Colorado, lunch with friends, new baby babysitting, impromptu photo shooting, niece & nephew lovin’, Sonny’s BBQ eating, alpaca farm tromping, overnight staying at vacant camp houses, Thanksgiving, makeovers, a rehearsal dinner, a wedding, brother visiting, puppy pick-ups – all in two weeks time – in a minivan (for most of it) – with two Alaska-loving baby boomers, two less-than-conservative twenty-somethings, one thirteen month old, a chocolate lab for the homestretch, and a partridge in a pear tree. (‘Tis the season…)

And we did it all with a smile on our faces.

Even up to the last adventure – being pulled over by one of Alabama’s finest:

I only wish he was driving this sweet piece of machinery.

Most of you are probably thinking, “Well, that’s what you get for speeding…”.

And though my list above gives every reason to be speeding back to my little cabin in the woods, alas, I was not. The situation went a little something like this (names may be changed to protect the non-speeding):

(The scene: Cruising up I-65 somewhere between Montgomery & Birmingham, I am driving. Babe sleeping peacefully in car seat. Dog loyally resting her head upon babe’s seat, catching a few winks. Husband & wife conversing over dreams of their future…or something like that.)

Husband: You see that there’s a cop back there?

The Innocent: Uh huh. I’m getting over so he can pass. I wonder who he’s after?

(Moves over to right lane. Two cars behind do the same. Trooper moves into right lane – clearly not in a hurry…)

The Innocent: Is he pulling me over? Surely not.

(Husband looks back to see flashing lights.)

Husband: Yeah, that’s you, babe.

The Innocent: There is no way in hell I was speeding (as we are loaded to the max and have a carrier on top) – I had the cruise set at 78. What in the world?

(Flip on the flashers, move onto the shoulder. Grab wallet – wait for it.)

Husband: (in a whisper) Take your sunglasses off – you look less sketchy. (Who thought I was sketchy to begin with?)

The Innocent: Well, there goes Noah’s nap. Thanks a lot, jerk. This better be good. (Always a mama first.)

Deputy DoesntHaveAnythingToDo: (as he’s walking up to the car, he’s waving his hands to passersby to slow down – effective, I’m sure.) Florida (said Flar-duh) State with a Tennessee tag, huh? License and proof of insurance, please? Ya’ll married?

The Innocent & Husband: Yes sir.

Deputy DoesntHaveAnythingToDo: (to Husband) What was your pick up line?

Husband: Uh – she was my student when I was a TA in Grad School.

Deputy DoesntHaveAnythingToDo: That’s a good one. I’ll have to remember that one. Oh, you got a lab. What kind is she? My buddy told me a joke the other day, he said there are four types of labs – Yellow lab, Black lab, Chocolate lab, and a Meth lab. Te-he-he-heeee….

The Innocent: (Is this guy serious?)

Deputy DoesntHaveAnythingToDo: Do you have any idea why I pulled you over today?

The Innocent: (To practice your ridiculous one-liners?) No sir. I honestly have no idea… (I sure as heck wasn’t speeding.)

Deputy DoesntHaveAnythingToDo: (as best as I can remember his Driving School 101 lecture) I pulled you over ’cause you were doing what all Tennessee drivers loooove to do – I can say that, my wife is from Tennessee. Te-he-hee. You were cruisin’ in the left lane and that’s a passin’ lane. Now, you were passin’ people (so what’s the problem, officer?) but there was a long line of cars behind ya. And what happens when a long line gets goin’ is that people like me, ambuh-lances, fire trucks, tow trucks – they can’t get through. You understand what I’m sayin’?

The Innocent: Yes sir.

Deputy DoesntHaveAnythingToDo: You see how that can become a real hazard?

The Innocent: (Yes, father…) Yes sir.

Deputy DoesntHaveAnythingToDo: Ohhh – you got a baby back there, too. Girl or boy, I can’t see ’cause of the sun.

The Innocent: Boy.

Deputy DoesntHaveAnythingToDo: What’s his name?

The Innocent: Noah Matthew.

Deputy DoesntHaveAnythingToDo: Oh, a strong biblical name.

The Innocent: Yes sir. (I am a Jesus-loving non-speeder with a cute child & dog, can I please go now that you’ve done your good deed for the day?)

Now, here are a few observations:

  1. If I was in the left lane, passing people at 78, is he suggesting I go faster, or
  2. I should move over for the people going 90?
  3. Clearly, this man needs something to do.
  4. This man must not know who my father is, for if he did, he would obviously know that my daddy doesn’t produce left lane drivers. Not only is it a driving offense, it’s a down right sin. And you know where sinners go.
  5. Obviously I wasn’t wearing my “Family of the Shield” sticker where he could see it…

    See, I am no stranger to the brass.

See you later, Sweet Home Alabama & Deputy DoesntHaveAnythingToDo – I am headed home to Rocky Top where the Men/Women of the Badge have more important things to do – like spay & neuter your fourth kind of lab.


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